Put It in Me, Scott

Grade: C

Here I am faced with a dilemma: forgo a great deal on what looks to be a delicious sandwich or eat what looks like a delicious sandwich while having to consider phallic symbolism. I prefer to separate sex from fast food so I'll just go to Subway and be done with it. Decide for yourself after watching the Quizno's commercial with an erotic toaster, then let me decide for you.

So the applianchomoerotic relationship that Scott has with the toaster is the most memorable aspect of this commercial. Apparently, for a toaster, cooking a sandwich in itself is like sex. And cooking an inexpensive sandwich is like great sex. But why do I want to satisfy a toaster by ordering up a cheap sandwich? I could care less about a toaster's needs, especially one reminiscent of a villainous computer in a movie I've never seen but know enough about to get the reference. Instead, I want to disappoint that toaster because I don't like his attitude. He's manipulative and pushy. The last thing I want to be is an enabler of sexual harassment in the workplace.

An aside about the 2001: A Space Odysey thing: it's a little pandering. To appreciate that reference I would have to say, "Boy I sure am cultured for being familiar with a groundbreaking science fiction movie made nearly 2 decades ere I was born! Whew, I bet some of my friends don't get it and I can explain it to them and they'll think I'm cultured and maybe a girl who is hanging out with my boys and I but whom I don't know that well will want to sleep with me more than she did earlier in the night, although she was probably already into me since I'm so comfortable with my sexuality that I can pretend a sandwich is a penis while I chow down." In short, appreciating that reference forces me to be a jerk, and I don't want to be that so bad. Or maybe now it's just impossible to have a talking machine without thinking of Hal.

I've never before seen an ad that so unabashedly jokes around with homosexuality. Refreshing to see, but I imagine it could polarize some audiences away from the product. If a man says the commercial is gross his friends might call him homophobic, and if he says that sandwich looks really good his friends might call him a homosexual. No man wants to be defined by a sandwich. But maybe his friends are tolerant, and won't care either way. Or maybe someone can stand up to their friends and use the sandwich as a means of spreading tolerance and defying prejudice. Thus, this commercial is a catalyst for social change.

And for the conscientious among us that's reason enough to get a Toasted Torpedo. I don't know how much universal appeal that kind of baggage has when attached to a lunch, though. And with no established sympathetic contract and an annoying film reference the whole ad leaves me ambivalent.

Suggestions for future ads: Have the relationship between the oven and Scott become more romantic and less lusty. A long term commitment would be more profitable than a one night stand.