Get Dunked on by Patrick Chewing!

Grade: A

I see no greater incentive to eating a candy bar than this commercial. At present, it's my favorite on television. Here's a link to the Snickers commercial starring Patrick Ewing.

And here's a subjective transcription:

(Enter Ryan, magically opening and biting into a Snicker's Bar. Ryan looks up as he chews, wide-eyed and pleased, as if finding his long lost father.)
Ryan: Patrick?
(The camera shows Patrick Ewing with Hoya Hair.)
Patrick Ewing: What's up, Ryan?
(Patrick power-dribbles once, then leaps at the rim of a basketball hoop behind to Ryan.)
Patrick Ewing: Ahhhhhggg!
(Patrick throws the hammer down with two hands all up in Ryan's face and the backboard explodes. Ryan is knocked to the ground.)
Patrick Chewing: Oops!
(Patrick walks away from scene. The backboard is in splinters, the ball has somehow rolled all the way down an alley, and Pat is still holding on to the rim.)
Voiceover Guy: Get dunked on by Patrick Chewing!

-FIN-

This commercial is tremendous for many reasons, several of which I pointed out in my adapted screenplay. But there's more to why I want to eat a Snicker's right now. Allow me to dig deeper for that.

For one, I'm confident this commercial was made specifically for me. Why? Because I'm an undersized white kit who wears plaid shirts and wishes he was better at basketball. If I see a commercial that I think I could have starred in without having to do much acting, then I'm going to want to buy that product and hope a similar situation will arise in my everyday life. And I could have starred in this commercial, easily. Instead I just pause every time I eat a Snickers next to a basketball hoop.

For two, the catchphrase is awesome. "Get dunked on by Patrick Chewing" provides a vivid metaphor of what eating a Snickers is like. Apparently, there is some common ground between eating this candy bar and getting posterized by a hall-of-fame center. Some mutual characteristics this comparison suggests include strength, energy, explosiveness, and unexpected yet welcomed celebrity encounters. I expect a candy bar can contain the first three qualities, given that it's mostly sugar and protein, and I want those qualities because, remember, I'm an undersized white kid who wishes he was better at basketball.

(In comparison, "Get some bling with Master P-Nut" is a bit of a dud. I can't picture how eating a Snickers bar is like getting an enormous gold chain, and equating a candy bar with jewelry in the first place seems vain and bad for my teeth.)

But let's not forget the stellar casting choice. Sure, the pun lends itself to the selection of Patrick Ewing, but beyond that, Patrick Ewing is for me and many other people my age something of a novelty that gives the commercial a whole other layer of humor. "Get Dunked on by Caramel-o Anthony" would not have provided this humor. When I think of Carmelo, I think of undeserved championships for Syracuse. When I think of Ewing I think of

1. Space Jam
2. The Dream Team
3. The scene in Space Jam where he hits his head on the ceiling but Mugsy Bogues Doesn't
4. The time he got blocked by Mugsy Bogues
5. 11 time all-star, 20pts/10rebounds a game, hall of famer.

Thus eating a Snickers not only caters to my athletic aspirations, but it does so in an ironic way via punnery and funny, nostalgic casting. If there's one thing college-educated young men approve of, it's doing things for the sake of irony. Hat's off to Snickers, I'm going to eat you and then laugh inwardly about how subversively funny I am.

Suggestions for Future Ads: "Rock out with Ted Nougat"